Poverty and Prayer

A passage from one of the books I'm reading for formation this month called 'Clowning in Rome' by Henri Nouwen.  Note: Intercessory prayer is when you pray for someone else.

There is a powerful connection between poverty and intercessory prayer. When we give up what sets us apart from others-not just property but also opinions, prejudices, judgments, and mental preoccupations-then we can allow friends as well as enemies to enter with us into our solitude and lift them up to God in the midst of the great encounter. In real solitude there is an unlimited space for others, because there we are empty and there we can see that, in fact, nobody stands over and against us. An enemy is only our enemy as long as we have something to defend. But when we have nothing to hold onto, nothing to protect, nothing to consider as exclusively ours, then nobody can be an enemy and then we can, in fact, recognize in the center of our solitude that all men and women are brothers and sisters, In solitude, we stand so naked and so vulnerable before God, and become so deeply aware of our total dependency on his love, that not only our friends but also those who kill, lie, torture, rape, and wage wars can become part of our flesh and blood. In solitude we are so totally poor that we can enter into solidarity with all human beings and allow our hearts to become the place of encounter not only with God, but, through God, with all human beings as well. And thus intercessory prayer is the prayer of self-emptying because it asks of us to give up all that divides us from others so that we can become those we pray for and let God touch them in us.

Testimony of Hope

One of the books Chip and I are currently reading is 'Testimony of Hope' by Archbishop Van Thuan.  The book is the complete text of a Spiritual Exercises retreat that he gave to the Roman Curia (Cardinals of the Catholic Church & the Pope).  It's a very excellent spiritual book that discusses hope in Christ on a very real and profound level with a flair of asian influence.  The book is also influenced strongly from his 13 years in prison by the Communist government in Vietnam.  A particularly inspiring point about the Christian witness of loving our enemies was when in isolation, five police took turns so that there were always two guarding him.  The leaders had told them, "We will replace you every two weeks with another group so that you will not be 'contaminated' by this dangerous bishop."  Afterward the leaders told them, "We've decided not to switch you anymore; otherwise the bishop will contaminate all of the police."

Short Bio

He was born in the Imperial capital of Huế, Vietnam. In 1941, Nguyễn Văn Thuận joined An Ninh Minor Seminary and was ordained a priest on June 11, 1953. After six years of further studies in Rome, he was appointed in 1959-1967 as a faculty member and rector of the Seminary of Nha Trang.

He was appointed Bishop of Nha Trang on 13 April 1967 and received episcopal consecration on 4 June 1967 at Huế at the hands of Angelo Palmas, Apostolic Delegate to Viêt Nam (and later, Nuncio to Colombia and to Canada), assisted by Bishops Philippe Nguyen Kim Dien, Apostolic Administrator, sede plena, of Huế, and Jean-Baptiste Urrutia, titular archbishop of Carpato.

On 24 April 1975, he was appointed Coadjutor Archbishop of Saigon. On 30 April, Saigon fell to the North Vietnamese Army, and Nguyễn Văn Thuận, targeted for his faith as well as his family connection to Ngô Đình Diệm, was detained by the Communist Government of Vietnam in a reeducation camp for 13 years, 9 of them in solitary confinement.

While in prison, he smuggled out messages to his people on scraps of paper. These brief reflections, copied by hand and circulated within the Vietnamese community, have been printed in the book The Road of Hope. Another book, Prayers of Hope, contains his prayers written in prison. The bishop fashioned a tiny Bible out of scraps of paper. Sympathetic guards smuggled in a piece of wood and some wire from which he crafted a small crucifix.

Quotes:

"God knows how to write straight with crooked lines."

Speaking of his mother, Nguyễn Văn Thuận said, "When I was in prison, she was my great comfort. She said to all, 'Pray that my son will be faithful to the Church and remain where God wants him'."


“In our country there is a saying: ‘A day in prison is worth a thousand autumns of freedom.' I myself experienced this. While in prison, everyone waits for freedom, every day, every minute. We must live each day, each minute of our life as though it is the last.”

Recorded on the Feast of the Holy Rosary, October 7, 1976, in Phu-Khanh prison, during his solitary confinement: "I am happy here, in this cell, where white mushrooms are growing on my sleeping mat, because You are here with me, because You want me to live here with You. I have spoken much in my lifetime: now I speak no more. It's Your turn to speak to me, Jesus; I am listening to You"[5].

Ten Rules of Life of Nguyễn Văn Thuận

I will live the present moment to the fullest.
I will discern between God and God’s works.
I will hold firmly to one secret: prayer.
I will see in the Holy Eucharist my only power.
I will have only one wisdom: the science of the Cross.
I will remain faithful to my mission in the Church and for the Church as a witness of Jesus Christ.
I will seek the peace the world cannot give.
I will carry out a revolution by renewal in the Holy Spirit.
I will speak one language and wear one uniform: Charity.
I will have one very special love: The Blessed Virgin Mary.

Reflection on “The Annunciation: Mary’s call”

Archbishop Sheen explained that there is a difficulty in relating our call to Mary’s call. You might even say the Annunciation is a mystery, and a joyful one at that.

“Mary was chosen by God to be His Mother and was even prepared for that honor by being preserved free from the primal sin that had infected all humanity. If she were so prepared, would she be free to accept or to reject, and would her answer be the full fruit of her free will? The answer is that her redemption was already completed but that she had not yet accepted or ratified it. It was, in a way, something like our dilemma. We are baptized as infants, and our bodies become temples of God, as our souls have been filled with infused virtues. We become not just creatures made by God but partakers in Divine nature. All this is done in Baptism before our freedom blossoms, the Church standing responsible for our spiritual birth as our parents did for our physical birth. Later on, however, we ratify that original endowment by the fee acts of our moral lives- by receiving the sacraments, by prayers, and by sacrifices.” ~ THE WORLD’S FIRST LOVE

A variation of a question that has been stuck in my head for quite a while now and one that perhaps most people encounter that are earnest about the longings of their heart, is this. How am I to know I’m being faithful in attempting to discern and truthfully follow God’s will for me in both my vocation and in my daily life?


More recently this question has been a part of discerning my big Vocation and comes up so often in prayer and thoughts throughout the day that I would like to have some peace of mind to it sometime soon, but I’ve come to know through some good advice that God’s preparation of my heart in this discernment is quite possibly as important as the answer itself. I tried a number of different things at the beginning of my commitment and even the year before my commitment to prepare myself and keep track of how I’m doing as well as taking time to write down points of reflection. The latest system is my note cards and I wanted to share a few of those with you tonight.

October 17, 2009
I need to be leaning on my brothers to be able to live out my commitment and receive the intimacy that I need. Too often I reject the love of my brothers in the ways in which they reach out. I seem to be expecting or demanding that for me to accept that love that it should come in certain ways that I prefer. Lord, please remove my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh on fire with your love.

November 28, 2009
God is asking me to be faithful:
-Some days the temptation to be disobedient is strong
-Some days I can’t clear my thoughts and I’m angry
+Sometimes I spring out of bed and I’m excited and hopeful for the day to come
-Sometimes I let other people’s attitude/their anger/their frustration penetrate my serenity
+Sometimes I can really feel God’s presence when I put my pride aside
In all of these moments God is asking me to be faithful.

December 18, 2009
This year is for my relationship with God. For my heart to be formed and the garbage to be cleaned out. To step out bravely into the dark with the light of Christ as my Truth. To love and be loved as God intended. To hopefully see into the depths of my heart and make free choices for my future that will ultimately bring me joy and peace. To know and believe that my reward in heaven will be great if I bear all of my suffering in the name of Christ.

December 30, 2009
You are a jealous lover indeed. I try to push myself to what would be good for me but I know you haven’t yet lead me there, if you are to lead me there. You want me to be content with discernment to be able to truly submit to you in your will for me, in your time. You want it all; you want me to be fully alive in you, to be free.

I’ve had to take to the method of keeping these things and pondering them in my heart after the model of Mary. Patience, trust in the Lord, slowly becoming and falling in love with Jesus my Savior. Working to do my best to say yes in the small things so I will be prepared for the bigger moments where more things are on the line. Lord, please grant us the grace to wait for your counsel and never forget your works. Hearts that are confident in your majesty and interior freedom in line with mother Mary’s Fiat.

Snowed in at the Youth Apostles House

It's been an excellent weekend snowed in at the Youth Apostles House. It started snowing here around 9pm Friday night and kept on till about 10pm Saturday night. We logged about 18inches of snow, consumed a gallon and a half of hot chocolate, and put in 45-50 hours shoveling as a house so far to make sure things are safe come Tuesday night when we have 4 guys making commitments, which we're all really excited about. There was also some shennanigans and sledding and the Women Youth Apostles (WoYAs) came over for Mass and lunch today.

Check out the slideshow to the right....sorry I haven't been blogging. I'm doing well overall...I'm finding out how difficult dissernment can be....especially when you're of the type that tends to take in everything going on around and inside of you and pain stakenly analyzes it. I'm learning a lot about myself and have been working on being able to place more and more trust in God and allowing my heart to be prepared to receive His will loud and clear (hopefully).

Reflection on Freedom

A couple weeks back I gave a reflection on Freedom to the Full Members in Youth Apostles.

Freedom Reflection-12/8/2009 

They may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM! ~William Wallace

Catechism References

1730 God created man a rational being, conferring on him the dignity of a person who can initiate and control his own actions. "God willed that man should be 'left in the hand of his own counsel,' so that he might of his own accord seek his Creator and freely attain his full and blessed perfection by cleaving to him."26 Man is rational and therefore like God; he is created with free will and is master over his acts.27

1739 Freedom and sin. Man's freedom is limited and fallible. In fact, man failed. He freely sinned. By refusing God's plan of love, he deceived himself and became a slave to sin. This first alienation engendered a multitude of others. From its outset, human history attests the wretchedness and oppression born of the human heart in consequence of the abuse of freedom.

1742 Freedom and grace. The grace of Christ is not in the slightest way a rival of our freedom when this freedom accords with the sense of the true and the good that God has put in the human heart. On the contrary, as Christian experience attests especially in prayer, the more docile we are to the promptings of grace, the more we grow in inner freedom and confidence during trials, such as those we face in the pressures and constraints of the outer world. By the working of grace the Holy Spirit educates us in spiritual freedom in order to make us free collaborators in his work in the Church and in the world:

IN BRIEF

1744 Freedom is the power to act or not to act, and so to perform deliberate acts of one's own. Freedom attains perfection in its acts when directed toward God, the sovereign Good.

1745 Freedom characterizes properly human acts. It makes the human being responsible for acts of which he is the voluntary agent. His deliberate acts properly belong to him.

1746 The imputability, or responsibility, for an action can be diminished or nullified by ignorance, duress, fear, and other psychological or social factors.

1747 The right to the exercise of freedom, especially in religious and moral matters, is an inalienable requirement of the dignity of man. But the exercise of freedom does not entail the putative right to say or do anything.

26 GS 17; Sir 15:14. 27 St. Irenaeus, Adv. haeres. 4, 4, 3: PG 7/1, 983. 28 Cf.
Rom 6:17. 29 Gen 3:13. 30 Cf. Gen 4:10. 31 Cf. 2 Sam 12:7-15. 32 Cf. DH 2 # 7.
33 CDF, instruction, Libertatis conscientia 13. 34 Gal 5:1. 35 Cf. In 8:32. 36 2
Cor 17. 37 Rom 8:21.

William Wallace: There's a difference between us. You think the people of this country exist to provide you with position. I think your position exists to provide those people with freedom. And I go to make sure that they have it.

Youth Apostle Idea of Freedom

• In Youth Apostles we talk about Freedom in the context of Truth, Freedom, and Care, our ‘Triple-threat Offense’ of “human values that facilitate the reception of the theological virtues of Faith, Hope, and Love.”1
• We emphasize in our ministry to youth that “true freedom allows them to be more fully human and not trapped by sin.” 2
• Commitments made in freedom allow us to grow in our faith lives through a tangible and methodical manner of building trust in God and coming to know we are loved. Prayer is one of the more fruitful manners in which we come to know God’s love and it’s incorporated into every one of our commitments.
• We believe that “responsible freedom can only be achieved through discipline and sacrifice.” 3
• We believe that “in the midst of difficult times we need a model of real freedom, and no one better than Our Blessed Mother…Mary was faithful to God. She was prayerful and reflective. Those who want to live in freedom need to prayerfully think before they act, examine their consciences, and recognize possible weaknesses and addictions that can reduce their ability to make free choices.” 4
• “True freedom is achieved when we reflect on God’s will in our life, choose His will, and make a commitment to Him. We must renew this commitment every day of our life through personal discernment and prayer. We are created free so we can freely offer our freedom to Christ in imitation of Our Mother Mary.” 4
• “Youth should be allowed to make some choices…Prudent risk is necessary on the part of those in charge, to promote their healthy growth, however, they need to be guided and protected. Adolescents must be encouraged…empowered to follow through on their great dreams, while still being guided with patience, love, and insight” 5
• “Growth into a state of true freedom is not possible without learning to obey. Those in authority should model their own willingness to be obedient. They need to teach obedience with prudence and love.” 6
• “We must fight the battle of ridding ourselves of slavery to the passions. Our goal is to freely choose what is good, what is God’s will (the Goal of the Spiritual Exercises). Our work is to empower the youth to choose correctly by teaching them that difficult choices require: Personal discipline, willingness to sacrifice, and obedience to God and to the Church. We must help form the moral conscience of young people entrusted to our care. The decisions they make at this stage in life shape their lives. Mary serves as the perfect model of this freedom.” 7

1 Dir. Cor. May ’95 2 CLC handbook 3 Dir. Cor. ’98 4 Dir. Cor. ’94 5 Dir. Cor.
Aug ’95 6 Dir. Cor. ’97 7 Fr. Jack YM Sem. 3Oct’06

My Thoughts

Over the last couple months of my consecration I’ve reflected on and come to understand a little more fully my need to be obedient and disciplined as a manner to gaining my own freedom. I’ve learn to gain more control of my free will through living a specifically defined life-style in a somewhat obedient fashion (I'm a work in progress). Having other consecrated brothers to model that life-style has been very helpful and even more so when they walk with me and show me the ropes. Being able to witness their peace and joy motivates me and helps me through times when prayer, or service, or to love of others as myself is not easy or appealing. I receive help from my brothers to be able to be freed from the slavery of sin. We can fail to be free in the ways that we’re overwhelmed by temptation or struggle in the depths of depression or self hate. Having brothers that share in my life are great help in reminding me of the Love of God. As I begin to make free choices with faith in the mix I begin to trust more and I’m more willing to be a staunch defender.

A Case of the Mondays

This morning was unlike most Monday mornings for me. Instead of taking 3 or more hits of the snooze button on my alarm clock I only took one and felt somewhat rested. Normally my Monday mornings are a bear b/c I get home so late from ministry on Sunday nights ~1am, and the latest I can really be sleeping is around 715 am so I can hopefully be in the chapel for Holy Hour at 730. I have a bad habit of being a couple minutes late and I end up only have a Holy fifty minutes. I’ve taken to strategize ways to combat my sleepiness and have found that a short brisk walk in the cold air usually shakes things up well enough to keep myself from falling back asleep in the chapel. It’s difficult sometimes since quieting my mind and body for prayer sets me up for being relaxed and ready to sleep some more.

I’ve come to know that my role in prayer is to simply clear out all the nonsense, rid myself of distractions, and be waiting in hopeful expectation for God to make the encounter. That’s what I’ve come to know through reading books on prayer and spirituality and my own experiences of honest encounters with God, sometimes a good day of prayer is simply being able to clear my mind of distractions and spend some good time being present with God in the Blessed Sacrament. There are also days when I have a good bit on my mind and I have to learn to be submissive to God’s will and put those things away trusting that God has a plan for them and if and when he required some cooperation from me he’ll let me know, but for now I need to be working on clearing out the things that don’t matter so God can continue His work of forming me.

I’m currently reading a book by Fr. Benedict Groeschel, CFR entitled ‘Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones: Spiritual Answers to Psychological Questions.’ I’ve really been digging it so far and have found the psychological approach to it very appealing. The premise is that for each chapter or essay it takes two spiritual vices and pairs them up with one virtue to aid in conquering those vices and applies how they work or develop in our human psyche. He also identifies human tendencies and how we normally mature and overcome them by our approach and trust in God’s work in our lives. I identified with a passage I read this morning that put words to the growth that I’ve been feeling over the past couple months:

If you want to love, you must be willing to be vulnerable. The Gospel makes
it clear that if you extend your hand often enough in a gesture of love, someone
will drive a nail through it. If you love Christ, you must walk the difficult
road to Calvary. But you will begin to see yourself borne by powers that are
beyond you. It may not be very noticeable at first. It may be no more that
patience with criticism, or extra generosity after you have done enough. You may
feel firmly drawn to God even when you can’t pray. You will begin to change. And
this is the effect of charity, which will overflow into a love for others that
goes beyond affection or pity.

The Exultant Warrior

The past week and a half I had a good bit of fun with the things in my schedule. Starting on Friday I changed my first head light in a car, which gave me that good puff up your chest feeling of performing a successful manly task. That night I was heading to my former residence down in Woodbridge for some Irish Festivities with the fellas and had a grand ole time. I know October is an odd time for celebrating the Irish culture, but it was fun anyways.

Late morning Saturday I had my first monthly consecrated gathering with the other consecrated guys in Youth Apostles (there are 9 of us now). Being my first I didn't have too much of an idea about the normal flow of the gathering went, I just did my best to have read through the document we were going to begin to discuss (Fraternal Life in Community) and see where it went from there. I've noticed over the last couple years since they started these gatherings how the friendship between the consecrated brothers has grown and how that has had a domino impact on a number of other unifying things in Youth Apostles.

After the gathering Tom Yehl and I headed over to Clyde's in Old Town for a friends Birthday Brunch. The amusing part to that trip was that after brunch we were going to head over to get cup cakes at some place that was suppose to be a couple blocks up from the wharf. Well as we stepped out side the drizzle slowly and slowly turned into a full downpour and the "couple blocks" quickly came under close scrutiny as the rain fell harder and we still hadn't made it to our destination, but I kinda like walking in the rain myself. The kicker to the amusement was that the cup cake store was closed and Tom and I walked the "couple blocks" back to the car with no reward.

Later that evening I had dinner with my old roommates at the Paquette's house down in Lorton. The Paquettes are one of the Youth Apostle family; Mike and Helen and their four boys and two girls. Dinner was a lot of fun as most things are at the Paquette household...it reminds me a little bit of the environment at my house growing up with lots of energy and the older siblings being relied on more and more to wrangle the younger siblings when ever outsiders were at the house.


This past Wednesday, Fr Jack, Brian Abrams, and myself headed down to Virginia Tech to visit the Youth Apostle guys down there for some festivities and of course a Cheesy Western (the real breakfast of champions) or two. It was great to get to see the guys down there and was my first trip of the semester.

Yesterday, we had our house work day to clean up and reorganize "the ranch" seeing as when you live in a house with 15 or so bedrooms and a large amount of gathering space you need to set aside a good bit of time to conquer and divide. Afterwards we feasted on a very nice scallop and pasta dinner cooked here at the ranch, which prepared me for a night of costumes and college students (CCM Halloween Dance Party at GMU). It was a pretty impressive party that the students threw over at the FOCUS missionary house near campus, with shuttle rides and all. Yours truly donned a completely black get up with a pretty creepy looking batman mask. I didn't think it was that creepy but when you pull up to a curb late in the evening to pick up students, it can set an uneasy tone for someone to get into a car on Halloween with a person they can't easily identify. I only stayed for a couple hours as I needed to get some sleep and get up for some "Buff like Jesus" time the next morning.

I started out this morning a little bit ahead of myself. Actually a whole hour ahead as I forgot it was day light savings this morning. Since it was raining Jonathan and I headed straight down to the weight room to see what would get us motivated. I had found these 20 minute Yoga tapes a few weeks back and hadn't given them a shot yet. It was quite interesting to say the least, we started off with the flexibility tape and found out quickly the guy that was leading the exercise was related to gumby. We pushed on and did our best and learned some of the Yoga language as I'll call it. The mountain pose, the upward dog, the downward dog, the exultant warrior, and a few others. I kinda digged it and will probably keep that in the rotation.

Another development over the last couple weeks is that I decided after I cut my hair it was time to get over this despisement that I have of facial hair and pretty much hair in general...or at least challenge it. I did that by starting to let things go for a few weeks and not shave...and for the most part I kept to that. Someone had mentioned to me recently that in the original rule for the Franciscans that it was mandatory that the brothers had to grow a beard and the reasoning behind it was because "it is the manly and austere thing to do in imitation of Jesus Christ, Francis, and the early Church Fathers" I'll probably be "manly and austere" for one more week before shaving it off so my family can heckle and let me know what they think. ;)

A 'Happy' Week

It's my goal to post on here once a week for at least this next year for a couple different reasons. One is that it has been helpful over the last four months to have myself sit down and take in what has been going on in my daily life so that I can appreciate it more. Another is to reach out to the people that I currently don't get to see on a very frequent basis or that live far away and be able to share this new journey with them.

One of the things that I'm enjoying about the structure of this first year of lay-consecrated life with Youth Apostles is that I'm not doing this discernment on my own. Chip is also in the midst of his first year commitment and each week at least two if not three times we sit down with different consecrated brothers and discuss either formation/studies on the consecrated life from the perspective of the different books that we're reading and also just how we're doing with the new day to day routine of prayer, community time, ministry, and personal goals. That structure really keeps me from getting complacent and not really examining how this new style of life is either making me more joyful or is causing me to not be joyful.

This past week was quite a busy one for me, we had the 30th Anniversary for Youth Apostles to prepare for and went very well this past Friday. Bishop Louverde and about 20-30 diocesan priests, seminarians, and deacons showed up and a crowd of about 450 showed up to celebrate with us. I also had my normal schedule at Mason, gave a talk on 'Female Modesty:A guy's perspective', and then volunteered to speak with another brother at the diocesan Youth Rally on the lay-consecrated life and what it has been like to come to this point in my discernment. It was also my birthday this past week (Tuesday) and I spent all day Monday smoking a couple pork shoulders in the smoker that I aquired this past June and that was a delightful couple of days in themselves.

The thing that was the focus of the most of my energy was the talk on 'Female Modesty' because it was directed to middle school teenage girls, which presents a number of challenges being a guy talking to that crowd. You have the age of innocence to protect as well as having the charge of making sure you are adequately covering the material and sugar coating things to a point that it is irrelevant. The talk I've been told was well received, which speaks more to the work of the Holy Spirit than my own experience talking to that aged group. When I showed up I had a pleasant surprise of the crowd not just being middle school girls, but their mothers as well, which just kicks that tenderness of the situation up a notch and I quickly examined my talk once more and decisively cut anything that could be taken the wrong way by a mixed crowd of women. As in I didn't want the mothers thinking that I was judging the innocence of their daughters based on the material that I was presenting and what a guy may or may not perceive when he sees a girl dressed in an immodest fashion.

The next few weeks are a little more relaxed for me and I'm looking to get into spending more time on the formation readings. The first few books that we've been reading are much smaller than the ones to come so it'll likely require a bit more time to prepare for the discussions that we have. Right now I'm re-reading Opening to God by Fr. Thomas Green, SJ and Redemptionis Donum by Pope John Paul II. Opening to God is just a great primer on prayer for those looking to get more out of that time they spend with God and the Redemptionis Donum is quite a heavy read even though the book looks like the size of a pamphlet book(40 pages on note card size paper), Pope John Paul II was quite a deep man of prayer and a brilliant philosopher, but he's able to break it down in to more digestible nuggets for those not quite so brilliant (ie yours truly).

On a goofy note I decided to name my fish that I've had since my super-senior year of college. Three of the original 7 are left and one that I acquired last year about this time. Since I have four I decided to make it interesting and try to do some parallelism with the gospel writers since at least 3 of the 4 are paralleled with animals when you see symbols of them.

Matthew – Silver Hatchet Tetra (Whoa to you brood of Vipers)
Mark – Black Skirt Tetra – (Mark/Dark)
Luke – White Skirt Tetra – (Star Wars Reference)
John – Bleeding Heart Tetra (The Beloved Disciple)

Why Youth Apostles?

Tuesday nights are my community nights with Youth Apostles and they range from us gathering for presentations on youth ministry, Christian formation, adoration of the blessed sacrament, sharing in our small groups, and then occasionally gathering as a community and sharing some of the bigger inspirations about what has been happening or the vision of where community is headed.

Tonight I was asked to be one of the members to present a reflection of why I've made my recent commitment to Youth Apostles. When I first had this question run through my head I was thinking that it was asking if not Youth Apostles then what community would I have chosen to become a part of. I thought about that for a little bit and couldn't really come up with a line of thought that really could fill up up 2 or 3 minutes of time or seemed very relevant or interesting. My answer to that would have been I wasn't really looking for more community to be involved in. I have a very large and loving family unit and grew up in a very active parish and with in the Knights of Columbus community there.

The directions that my thoughts lead me was to think of how did I come to know and want to be a part of Youth Apostles and why have I stuck around? My story starts in my senior year of High School when the post conformation religious ed at All Saints turned into a youth group lead by a couple Youth Apostles (Rob Tessier, Rod Kresge, and Dave Brisow) that were new to the parish. At the time I was a very shy/reserved kinda guy; an obedient and somewhat faith filled Catholic, but with plenty of my own hangups and imperfections. I wasn't the type to divulge information about myself so that people would know who I am unless I was asked about it and I kept to myself and observed a lot more then I interacted.

That senior year in High School I signed up to go with the youth group on the pilgrimage to World Youth Day in Toronto, Canada and I'll admit the motivation was more self-centered then it was purely motivated from wanting an experience with other Catholics to be excited to celebrate my faith and dive in more deeply. I desired to meet Pope John Paul II and to travel to some place new and to be even a little edgy by going somewhere without my parents that wasn't simply just walking down the streets to visit friends. I met a few more Youth Apostles on that trip by name and observation, noting to myself that these guys were decent fun people, but that is about as far as that thought process went at the time. I went off to my first year of college at Virginia Tech and returned that summer to work on building the sets for the theater ministry that started up the summer prior that I enjoyed doing the previous year.

That summer I also went to my first couple Youth Apostles meetings and got to see the community in a bit more of a full on setting. Later in the fall of that year Fr. David gave me a call saying that he was going to be in Blacksburg visiting some people and invited me to have dinner. We shared some good conversation and he invited me to come on a retreat that the community was having that winter break. I was open to the idea and so there I was just after the New Years celebration of 2004 on my first silent retreat with a bunch of other guys taking sometime to get to know ourselves and God in a fairly intense way; it was an Ignatian retreat after all. That first retreat was hard with getting use to the silence and the schedule that was fairly rigorous 7am-11pm, but it really opened my eyes to what this community was about. These guys were serious about their faith, their love for one another, and their service to the youth. To me that was very inspiring at the time, even with my difficulties of focusing on that first retreat and getting into the methodology of it.

In my reflection last weekend while I was with the GMU CCM on beach retreat, what came to mind more and more was why I've stuck around with Youth Apostles. Like I said that first retreat was very inspiring to me and in the years that I was a candidate I learned more of the communities charisms and vision for ministry and community. It's always been very clear and natural to me that I belong here and this is the path that God has created for me. I'm still discerning my vocation, but I feel that through community, formation, and ministry with Youth Apostles that it will be made perfectly clear to me. It hasn't been easy for me, but that's because I've been relying on myself all too much and I need to depend more on Him.

Recently in my formation I've been studying about the spiritual aspects of the evangelical counsels. The disciplines as I'm to live them in Youth Apostles are easy to understand and they're layed out in black and white for me in the guidelines, but the spiritual way of living them is more of a gospel way of living my life and has more to do with how God has been calling me to live them though the example of Jesus Christ.

Looking at the counsels the one that I see as the biggest gut check for me has been chastity and not for the obvious conclusions that are drawn with no dating, marriage, or sex. Those 3 things certainly are very good and very appealing, and no doubt will cause me trouble, but the way the light bulb went off the other day to inform me was that to live chastity is to love like Christ loved. Christ loved everyone very specifically with an undivided heart, accepted all of their hangups, loved them where they were at the time, and called them out through his love to a life much greater and life giving. I can be a loving guy, but yikes I'm going to need some serious help and accountability to even be mistaken for being in the same arena as Christ.

I see this community as offering to me the challenge and accountability to live a Christ like celibacy by supporting me in an open, honest, and upfront way. My brothers show their love for me and they also give me an example of how to love others in the way they live and minister.

It's been one week...

'since you've looked at me,' but that wasn't what I was going for.

It has been just over a week now that I've been trying to live a new commitment as a lay-consecrated man in Youth Apostles. To those that already know me well I can imagine they perceive me quite differently than some of the students or staff at George Mason that are now meeting me for the first time. Knowing someone sure makes it easier, most of the time, to love them and or feel connected in their joys and sufferings. I don't think a person is at a disadvantage in the other case it's just different.

As many of you probably do I spend a good bit of time and energy into thinking, working, and living in a manner that is aware of how people perceive me. At points that has helped me in discerning my vocation and in other ways it has set me back or at least uncovered something I wasn't looking for. This idea of perception has taken hold of a great deal of my thoughts this week as I try to answer to others and to myself "how is this week going?" I'm very tempted to pull back into my comfortable world of being a natural introvert and not worrying so much about putting myself out there for the sake of others in ways that I'm not naturally comfortable with. I know that I'm very comfortable and gifted by God in working with my hands and my mindset to build things and be very calm and introspective in times when things are pretty crazy, but over the past 6 or 7 years God has been gently calling me out to be more generous with those gifts in a more outward manner and to something more.

As I begin this year of discernment my thoughts are quickly drawn back to what I said I would be committing myself to. For me the only way I really feel called to answer that question about "how is the first week of consecration going?" is through how I'm beginning to be aware of what it means to live my commitment and how I've responded.

1 yr Temporary Consecrated Full Member Commitment

Do you accept to be poor that others may be enriched?

Response: I do and I promise to live a life of simplicity, generosity, and concern for others.

Do you accept to be celibate as the ultimate expression of an undivided heart working for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven?

Response: I do and I promise to love others for their own sake rather than my own pleasure.

Do you accept to be obedient to the Will of the Father, to the Magisterium of the Church and to the established authority of the Youth Apostles Institute?

Response: I do and I promise to free my will from personal likes or selfish concerns, in order to be prompt to follow Christ and be close to Him.

Do you promise to live in the truth which leads to faith, the freedom which leads to hope and the care which leads to charity?

Response: I do and I promise to be honest, to be disciplined, and to show deep concern for youth.

This week was full of blessings, grace, and struggles all of which have aided in a great first week. I could have done a better job preparing for where I'm at now with different transitional stuff, which were mostly financial matters to settle and administrative items at George Mason. I've really enjoyed the time spend at Mason getting to know the Catholic Community there, it's a blessing to be in a place where you have so many well grounded people fired up about their faith and ready to reach out to others. Formation wise this month I'm going through our Internal Guidelines for Consecrated life and reading a book called 'To Love, to Share, to Serve: Challenges to a Religious' by L. Patrick Carroll, S.J. and have been enjoying both.